Almost my Birthday!
Tomorrow I turn 27 years old. I am kinda down about my birthday this year. I am trying to stay my normal upbeat self, trying to think of it as my special day, but I feel icky. Yesterday after work I felt all weird, like I didn’t feel good, but couldn’t pin point why. I think it is cause I am am thinking about my Mom. I mean tomorrow is my birthday and I won’t be able to spend it with the person who gave birth to me. I remember a few days before my birthday I would start to ask my Mom What were you doing exactly ___ years ago today? She would always know, and I know cause she told me so many times. I know she stopped work on May 12th and thought she had a month to get ready for me and that low and behold a week later I was ready to be born. I know she went into labor at 7 am and that I was born at 10:15am. I know that my Dad had to get her last paycheck from her work that evening and go pick up my crib with the money. I know how excited she was. I know how when I was born I needed a blood transfusion and my Dad held me in the incubator during this and they didn’t tell my Mom until I was back in the regular nursery. She had told me the story 100 times, but it isn’t the same not having her to ask! One of the last birthday’s I had when she was alive (not the last one, cause she was really sick then) I sent her flowers to work on my Birthday and and they said “Happy BIRTHday, Mom. Thank you for the best gift ever!” It made her so happy. I just wish she was here. So much has happened in the past 2 years that I have needed her for. So much I wish she was there for to hold my hand though. I have made it through all this without her and I know the reason is because she made me so strong when she was here, but just the thought of my Birthday coming and her not being here has me sad. Two years ago my birthday came and she was in and out of conciseness. She wasn’t there to celebrate or to hug me or anything. When my birthday came around last year all I could think about was how the year before she was dying. And now it is here again and that is on my mind. I know she was ready to die and she held out to get past Mother’s day, Laura’s Birthday and my Birthday. I know she didn’t want us to associate her dying with these special days. I wish I could do what I know she wanted! Sorry for such a crappy post, it just all came out…LOL!