Birthday Blues

Today is my Mom’s Birthday.  She would have been 63 years old.  I miss her so much!  I had a horrible day today.  It got worse as the day went on.  First my plans to watch Ryleah were a bust because the times didn’t work out.  Then work was stressful as always.  Godness I have never worked so hard in my life!  Then my Mom’s best friend called me at work to tell me about how much she missed mom and missed me and Laura and all.  She always makes me sad cause she really loved my Mom as much as I did and she misses her like crazy!  They were best friends for 35 years.  After work I picked Pete up and headed to the florist to pick up fresh flowers for my Mom.  I thought the florist closed at 6…nope, 5:00.  So then I went to the Hallmark store to get a ballon on a stick to take to the grave yeard.  None!  I ended up with a normal ballon with a string.  Then I got to the grave yard and they were locking the inside gates.  I rolled down the window and asked the lady f I could have a second, my Mom’s grave site is near where we were stopped.  She got all nasty with me and told me they were closed.  I rolled up the window and busted out crying.  Just reliving it I am crying again.  Well Pete lost it when I started crying.  He is very protective of me and my feelings.  He rolled down the window and (surprisingly) didn’t cuse and scream at the lady (sometimes the New Jersey comes out in him), he just explained it was my Mom’s birthday and not yet 6:00pm.  The Bitch, lady said we could walk up to the grave, but only had a few minutes.  We got out and I tried to suck up my tears and we walked up tp the grave.  I tied my ballon on the vase attached to the head stone and shared some birthday wishes with my Mom.  Then we walked back to the car.  I was so glad that Pete was there with me.  We got back into the car and cried some more.  Why does it still hurt so bad?!?  Why is my Mom, one of the greatest people in the world gone and Bitches Ladys like the grave yard lady still around to be nasty to other people.  She kept glaring at us while we walked to the grave site while I was crying and Pete was whipeing my tears away and holding my hand.  Well in the car Pete suggested we go out to dinner since I was not feeling so hot.  It was a good surprise.  We went and had some great steaks and a fabulous Cherry Limeade.  I have half of my dinner left for lunch.  YUM!  We talked during dinner about how stressful managing all the nurses at Pete’s job are and how he is up for a promotion.  We talk about our days each and every evening.  It is our afterwork/in the car ritual.  I love how open we are with each other!  I am so thankful for him.

I remember the year my Mom turned 50, it’s hard to believe that was 13 years ago.  Laura and I through a little party together.  We had cake and ice cream and a few close friends (and the little boys I babysat every day after school) over.  I remember thinking that I was too young to throw her a big party, but I would have a blow out for her 60th.  I never got to…..There is so much I never got to do, So much she never got to do.  She will never see me get married, or have a baby, she will never get to be a Grammy.  She will never know Pete.  She will never give me another hug.  That is what I want more then anything in this world, a Hug from my Mom.  I want to smell her, to touch her, to just lay my head on her shoulder and let her hold me.  It’s SO not fair! 

I am glad today is almost over!

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10 Responses to “Birthday Blues”

  1. whimsicalchaos Says:

    I’m glad Pete had a chat with the lady and you got to go to her grave… Hugs hunny… I’ll share my mommy with ya!

  2. Bella Says:

    So sorry Lisa. Wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I’m happy that you have someone in your life that is so comforting to you in your time of need. So nice of you to post memories of your ma here, I’m touched!

  3. Monica Says:

    Made me cry at work….so sorry about your Mom – i know you miss her terribly.
    I gotta go hug my Mom when I get off from work today……

  4. jamie Says:

    I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but there is nothing. I’m just sad for you. And I’m here for you. Love, Jamie

  5. Sara Says:

    *HUGS* I’m sorry.

  6. mamamichele Says:

    It’s so so good for you to get all those emotions out, both by going to your Mama’s grave and by blogging. I wish I had something more than “im here if you need me” but I am.

  7. Shannon Says:

    I love you my friend and I’m always here. Thank God for Pete. He’s the best and I’m so glad he’s there with you. xoxo

  8. Lisanne Says:

    I’m in tears right now. I am *so* sorry that I’m behind on blog reading and am just now reading this entry about your mom. I cannot WAIT to give mine a hug when she comes to visit in October for Meredith’s party. I’m going to hug her extra tightly. I’m heartbroken for you; I just can’t imagine. Know that I’m here for you always, Lisa. My mom thinks a lot of you! She WILL see you get married and WILL be a grandma ~ she’ll just do it from afar.

  9. Ani Says:

    Awww Lisa I am so sorry. That was a rough day. I am sure your mom is very proud of you.


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