Early Morning

I woke up early today because I kept having a bad dream about someone in my past.  I dreamed they died in a fire or car accident, I can’t remember.  It was scary though.  I really hope that this person is ok.  I am not in the position to just call and chat with them to find out.  I don’t know, I hate the way my mind thinks sometimes.  I haven’t heard from this person in a while, and I hope I hear from them soon.  I probably won’t since it has been so long, but it would be a nice surprise. 

I still need to dust and vacuum and shower before Ryleah gets here.  I am so excited about us spending the day together.  I will have her all to myself for about 12 hours.  Such good practice.  I don’t think I am ready for kids.  Pete and I talk about it and he isn’t ready either.  We are thinking 31 or 32 will be a good age.  I am just not ready to give up my spontaneous trips, long mornings laying in bed and going out to eat!  I do know I want a family.  I think I will be a good Mom.  I had a good Mom and learned alot from her.  I miss her so much.  I think about how she isn’t going to be here when Laura has the Baby.  I also think about my wedding and her not being there for that.  I think about how she will never know Pete, never know Princess (the baby’s nickname). What makes me so sad is that they will never really know her either.  Sure Pete has heard stories and I am sure the baby will too, but nothing is like knowing my Mom, like having some of her good cooking, have a conversation with her, crank calling with her, chasing police cars with her.  She was quite a character.  Never a dull moment.  Something I have never really told anyone but Nikki is that I am jealous of people with Moms.  I know I shouldn’t be; everyone has had one at some point, but I am jealous when people get to do Mother/Daughter things.  I am jealous when I see Moms out shopping with their kids, I am jealous when I see Moms and their kids out eating, I am jealous when people have Moms!  I shouldn’t be because for the little bit of time I had my Mom, I had the best and I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to lose their mom!  I like Pete’s Mom, but she isn’t mine!  I hope that I grow to get close to her and have a Mom-like figure in my life, but I still wish I had my own Mom.  I don’t know why I wrote all this this morning, but I just felt like I needed to vent!  I hate jealousy.  I am not a jealous person at all.  But once in a while it creeps in.  I don’t think a elous person is a good one.  I try to be a good person.  I don’t like hurting people, I try to do the right thing most of the time.  I think I do a good job, too.  I have never been in any kind of trouble (aside from a speeding ticket or two).  I think about things I could have done, how I habdled situations, things I could have said, even in a situation when I am not at fault and 99% of the time I bite my tongue and do the right thing.  I just don’t see a point in hurting someone else.  It doesn’t make me feel better to make other people feel worse.  I try to treat everyone like I want to be treated.  I think everyone should live by this theory.  I think the world would be a happier place.

Speaking of happy.  I am happier (overall) then I have ever been.  I am engaged, I am going to marry the love of my life, in the best place ever with awesome photo shoots set up.  I am going to be an aunt, I am going to have a new sweet baby girl in my life to love on and spoil.  I have a new job, another one, that I think I was born to do, a job that I am going to love!  I have an affordable home and a nice things.  I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for, friends who love and support me.  I am lucky and sometimes I forget it!   Sometimes I get down when I think about the crap that has sprinkled my past, there has been some horrible ordeals I have overcome.  I need to remember I have overcame them and that my life is good!                      

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4 Responses to “Early Morning”

  1. steph Says:

    I think that your life philosophy is an amazing, gracious and powerful one to live by. And on your dream, to dream that someone in particular you know dies really means that you add another healthy bit of living to their life.

  2. mamamichele Says:

    You are totally entitled to feel a little jealous about people who have Moms. I cant imagine life without mine. She is such a major part of my day! You seem to be in a pretty healthy place about it though.

    Congrats on the job. I worked for Sears Portraits though a holiday season once. It was fun most of the time, except for the machinery breaking down all the time. It can get pretty crazy. (like 7 families want to have all 65 grandkids in ONE picture and have everyone looking in the camera and smiling. SHAH! right) But Im sure you will love it. With your bubbly personality you will do GREAT!

    On vacations without your kids. I have to dissagree with you. I love my girls. I am a GREAT mom (if I do say so myself) BUT Sometimes? I gotta get away from them. There are days that if I hear the word “MOMMY” one more time? I will totally lose it. I grow horns out of my firehead, fire comes out of my eyes… and that just isnt pretty. There are times when you just come unraveled and you need a break. And the only thing that can make you feel better is time away. I am a better parent when I have had a couple of nights of uninterupted sleep, sex, bubble baths and adult conversation.There is nothing better for my parenting skills that eating at a resturant that doesnt give you crayons with your menu. Grown folks stuff is essential.. Although, I cant imagine going somewhere like WDW without my girls. I can never make it more than a couple days… even on our honeymoon I was ready to see my babies after 3 nights.

  3. shannylj Says:

    Oh sweetie, I love you. And you have been through so much. But look how great everything is turning out! You are marrying an amazing man (thank goodness you got rid of the last loser!), and you’re about to start your incredible lives together!

  4. Ani Says:

    You had such a rough period back then. And now the good luck you deserve is coming back in ten folds! I know your mom may not be there physically but she is watching every step of your lives and is happy you are happy again:)


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