I woke up early today because I kept having a bad dream about someone in my past. I dreamed they died in a fire or car accident, I can’t remember. It was scary though. I really hope that this person is ok. I am not in the position to just call and chat with them to find out. I don’t know, I hate the way my mind thinks sometimes. I haven’t heard from this person in a while, and I hope I hear from them soon. I probably won’t since it has been so long, but it would be a nice surprise.
I still need to dust and vacuum and shower before Ryleah gets here. I am so excited about us spending the day together. I will have her all to myself for about 12 hours. Such good practice. I don’t think I am ready for kids. Pete and I talk about it and he isn’t ready either. We are thinking 31 or 32 will be a good age. I am just not ready to give up my spontaneous trips, long mornings laying in bed and going out to eat! I do know I want a family. I think I will be a good Mom. I had a good Mom and learned alot from her. I miss her so much. I think about how she isn’t going to be here when Laura has the Baby. I also think about my wedding and her not being there for that. I think about how she will never know Pete, never know Princess (the baby’s nickname). What makes me so sad is that they will never really know her either. Sure Pete has heard stories and I am sure the baby will too, but nothing is like knowing my Mom, like having some of her good cooking, have a conversation with her, crank calling with her, chasing police cars with her. She was quite a character. Never a dull moment. Something I have never really told anyone but Nikki is that I am jealous of people with Moms. I know I shouldn’t be; everyone has had one at some point, but I am jealous when people get to do Mother/Daughter things. I am jealous when I see Moms out shopping with their kids, I am jealous when I see Moms and their kids out eating, I am jealous when people have Moms! I shouldn’t be because for the little bit of time I had my Mom, I had the best and I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to lose their mom! I like Pete’s Mom, but she isn’t mine! I hope that I grow to get close to her and have a Mom-like figure in my life, but I still wish I had my own Mom. I don’t know why I wrote all this this morning, but I just felt like I needed to vent! I hate jealousy. I am not a jealous person at all. But once in a while it creeps in. I don’t think a elous person is a good one. I try to be a good person. I don’t like hurting people, I try to do the right thing most of the time. I think I do a good job, too. I have never been in any kind of trouble (aside from a speeding ticket or two). I think about things I could have done, how I habdled situations, things I could have said, even in a situation when I am not at fault and 99% of the time I bite my tongue and do the right thing. I just don’t see a point in hurting someone else. It doesn’t make me feel better to make other people feel worse. I try to treat everyone like I want to be treated. I think everyone should live by this theory. I think the world would be a happier place.
Speaking of happy. I am happier (overall) then I have ever been. I am engaged, I am going to marry the love of my life, in the best place ever with awesome photo shoots set up. I am going to be an aunt, I am going to have a new sweet baby girl in my life to love on and spoil. I have a new job, another one, that I think I was born to do, a job that I am going to love! I have an affordable home and a nice things. I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for, friends who love and support me. I am lucky and sometimes I forget it! Sometimes I get down when I think about the crap that has sprinkled my past, there has been some horrible ordeals I have overcome. I need to remember I have overcame them and that my life is good!